My Disastrous Dating Life in Japan

Episode One: A crash course in culture clash

Image created by ChatGPT. I feel like this encapsulates how these dates went.

She hasn’t said a word in over twenty minutes. I’ve said too many of them. The weight of carrying this “conversation” is crushing my spine.

In the past hour (oh dear God has it only been that long?) she never once asked a question or commented on what I said.

I feel the peering eyes of the people in the restaurant. I’ve come in here before, alone. But now that I, a foreigner, am here with a Japanese girl, their stares are cutting through my skull like a laser.

During the last ten minutes of the date, we descend into checking our phones, conversation is irrecoverable.

It’s over.

Finally.

She hates me for sure, I tell myself. And I’m not into her either. But when we part, away from watchful eyes, we kiss.

She’s excited to see me again.

What the hell?

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I never saw that girl again. Even though her shyness was a mask over her intent, it was just too hard to deal with. For context, this date was in the deep countryside of Japan, where foreigners are few (hence the staring—Tokyo would be different).

Since moving to Japan in 2013 I’ve had some successful relationships, but who wants to read about those?

I present to you some of my most disastrous dates in Japan.

Here is the first one, stay tuned for more cringe-worthy encounters.

Mika the textbook girl

I met Mika at a bar. She eyed me so hard as I entered the back of my head hurt. She comes over and clinks glasses with me. We exchange numbers and meet for a date one week later.

We met at the same restaurant as my trainwreck of a date in the intro (it was a small town don’t blame me). People stare again, but thankfully Mika is more chill than the other girl and doesn’t freeze up.

My Japanese was weak at the time, I had only been in the country for a few months. Her English was non-existent.

Somehow, we made it work. She got extra points for talking about Nietzsche and nihilism. I understood maybe 5% of what she said, but the illusion of what she may have said in that other 95% entranced me.

One thing that bothered me was: she brought an English textbook and a notepad with her.

She asked me how to say certain words and I gladly divulged, thinking that nothing was sexier than a proper grammar lesson am-I-right?

We head back to my place for a movie. I lived out in the forest, a twenty-five-minute drive away from the small town we had the date in. I thought she’d say no, I mean she barely knew me and for all she knew I could’ve been a serial killer.

She said yes.

I drive her out to my creepy middle-of-the-woods house, and we get in and watch a movie. Nothing happens, I want to kiss her but I chicken out. No big deal, she seems down for another date regardless.

I dropped her off at her car back in town (I did a lot of driving that night). As I’m leaving, she’s standing in front of her car. I’m waiting for her to get in, just to make sure she’s safe. She doesn’t move. Nearly a minute passes. We’re at a standstill.

I roll down my window and ask, “What’s up?”

She says, “Nothing.”

So… I just drove away. Later I found out that in Japan you wait, standing at attention, as someone leaves you. For example, if a guest leaves your office, you stand in the parking lot and wait till they’re out of sight before going back in. Same goes for dates, where the girl will wait for the guy.

Drinking with the boss

A few weeks later I’m at a bar talking to some electric company guy and the bartender at the counter. They ask me if I’m into any girls at the moment. I talk about Mika. And wouldn’t you know it, just then I noticed in the corner of the bar, almost out of eyesight, she was there this whole time, with another guy. Laughing at his jokes and touching his arm.

My heart sank.

Later, when she was leaving with him, she stopped by me at the counter. The electric company guy’s face was priceless, he tried not to look at us and had a strained smile.

She put her hand on my shoulder and said, “He’s my boss, I have to drink with him don’t worry about it, we’ll see each other soon.”

I’m confused now.

I did discover that many young and attractive women are pressured into having dinner or drinks with their male bosses. This was over ten years ago and things have changed, that’s called sexual harassment even in Japan now. However, it still happens all the time.

For example, there’s this famous Japanese YouTuber (Rin) who moved to an idyllic town in Hokkaido but had to move due to the persistent moves from some guy in the town’s government to take her out to dinner and sleep with her. She rejected him and it got so bad people broke into her house and threatened her life. Check out her story here to see what happens in some pockets of Japan.

I digress.

I can accept that Mika “had” to be there. But her smiles, her hand on his arm, that never happened on our date. Nor was there a textbook to be found that night.

I ended up seeing her one more time for what I thought was a date. And yes… she came prepared with notepad and all. I had to accept the bitter truth, though, that it was just a free English lesson for her.

I saw her one more time after that but things were different. I had learned my lesson and learned to hold things more loosely. We met as friends and things were fine.

You might be thinking, “Surely Shawn would never fall for that again.”

And you’d be wrong my friend. Three more times to be exact.

I did learn a valuable lesson about Japan: If you go on a date, make sure she checks the book at the door.