How Not to Navigate Group Dating in Japan
Master the art of the gokon
I’m nodding my head, smiling, and straining my ears. The clink of beer glasses rings throughout the long twenty-person table. Smoke from grilled meats makes my eyes water. I’m drowning in a sea of incomprehensible speak, hoping that nobody notices my lack of understanding.
I’m the only foreigner at the organized group date (gokon in Japanese). Ten men and ten women were brought together through the machinations of a local hairdresser hell-bent on not leaving a single person in town single by winter..
At first, it was fun. Everyone was interested in me. The girls all commented on how handsome I was, the men on how good my chopstick skills were. I was the man. I was the center of everyone’s attention for about five minutes before they moved on to discuss things beyond just how different I was.
I was sat in between two women. One (Aika) had dark shoulder-length hair and a habit of sticking her tongue out while closing one eye as some kind of strange but endearing flirtation technique. The other (Yui) had auburn hair that touched her waist, was a single mother, and was much more reserved than Aika.
I sat there with a poorly hidden smile the entire night. Aika leaned her chin on my shoulder when we talked. Yui would distract us by saying “Hey look at this,” and proceed to show pics of her dog to me. I had never had this experience before.
Are two women actually fighting for my attention? Never thought this could happen to me.
I got both of their Line contacts and Yui ended up going home early. I hit a second bar with the group, Aika clinging to my arm the entire way.
At this second place, my consciousness began fading. Too many drinks. I do remember Aika resting her head on my shoulder the whole time. I was in love. I was certain that we were going to get married, have ten kids, and raise chickens for the rest of our lives.
In the weeks after that night, she became “too busy” to go out on a date. The spark faded to ash.
How gokon work
Gokon are insidiously ubiquitous. Essentially they are a blind date, done in groups to avoid awkwardness. They are common in university club circles and even with people from the office. It’s not a bad idea to offer something for people who don’t have many opportunities to meet a partner. If you’re shy, or maybe too busy to go out, gokon can be a fun option to meet someone outside your bubble.
Gokon are comprised of two stages; godo (mixed) and konpa (combination). You start off the night with the men on one side of a table, and the women on the other. As the drinks flow you mix (godo) around and talk to people. By the end of the night, you should konpa (combine — that’s weird — how about pair off?) with someone you are interested in if anyone. Contacts shouldn't be exchanged until the end of the group date, a mistake you’ll see me make towards the end of this story.
Most of the time, the only complaints you’ll hear about gokon are that the men/women there were boring. In some instances, women have complained that the men, if they all know each other beforehand, have tried to orchestrate getting the women back to their apartments the same night. In these instances harassing women to drink beyond their limits has been reported.
If you would like to try this out, I highly encourage you to do so. It’s an interesting way to meet people. It’ll be as fun as your attitude and that of the other people in attendance make it. If you keep your wits about you or use a reputable gokon service, it can be safe to do.
One such service is Rush, be aware they do charge money to book a gokon through them, but they do vet the people who will attend. I’ve never used them so buyer beware. Other more organic ways are to ask around your workplace and social circles, I am sure there is someone who knows of one they could hook you up with.
Don’t make my mistakes and you’ll be fine
I’m a rockstar. I just arrived at another small gokon. There are only three men and three women, plus the hairdresser…she was married but I feel like she wasn’t there only to “organize” the night. She was an active participant on the prowl.
The other men, all Japanese, were cool guys. Good-looking, tattoos, good style, fun. But they were dead quiet before the effect of alcohol kicked in. Boys and girls didn’t speak to each other just yet, like a scene from elementary school dance class. I, the brave and daring gaijin, said fuck this, I’m going in.
Being stone-cold sober, I moved from the men’s side of the table and inserted myself among the women. I clinked glasses with all of them and immediately got all the attention. Everyone started laughing, even the men lightened up somewhat.
I am magical indeed.
However, in my bid to disrupt the ritual of the gokon, I offended the gods of propriety and faced their wrath.
One of the men, in seeing how effortlessly I flirted with the women, announced
Shawn is really cool. He must be so good with women because he’s charai.
Charai…the word that killed all momentum. It means “playboy or Chad”. You could feel the cool down in the room. All the girls who had just given me their contacts suddenly went red in the face with embarrassment. They got caught up in the fun of the moment, but obviously, if someone is having too much fun from the beginning they must be out for only sex, or so the group-think went.
The rest of the night was okay, but none of the girls ever responded to my texts later. I did pair off that night and had some good heart-to-heart talks. But the damage was already done by one jealous dude seeking to take down his rival.
Had I played it cool and stuck to my side of the table and just pretended to be shy until the right time came for people to mix and mingle, and had I waited till the end of the night to get that number (and just from one, not all three women), I would have pleased the gokon gods and gotten a second date.
Oh gosh that seems like such a fun experience (once the initial awkwardness of it all is surpassed). I wonder if there are similar settings for queer folk. 🤔