How I Almost Got Auctioned off for Marriage in the Post-Soviet Bloc

Match-making neighbors in Georgia

Communist disc of some sort in my backyard. Photo by author.

Single? Looking for love? I’ve got the answer for you.

Travel around the nation of Georgia and you have a 98% chance of getting married before you leave.

Of course, I’m joking here. What I’m not messing around with is Georgians LOVE to try and play matchmaker with their foreign guests.

No one is safe.

I have a lot of stories of random people saying I should marry their daughter. One family saw me hitchhiking, picked me up, took me home for dinner, and then the mom pressured me into saying whether her daughter was beautiful and if I would consider marrying her… with her in the room.

The girl next door

The closest I actually came to getting married off was with Zidi.

I taught English in Georgia in 2012 and lived with a host family for four months in the tiny village of Gomi. My Host Dad, a man named Iuza, was especially focused on getting me hitched to someone in the village.

A little context here: Gomi is a hamlet in the mountains near the Black Sea. There are maybe a few hundred residents, no stores of any kind, tons of horses and cows and even wolves, and it’s a very conservative place. The kind of area where if you date somebody, you marry that person.

This South African dude that I worked with slept with a girl in his village. He literally had to flee the country. The girl told her father. The father pressured the guy to marry her. He said no. The whole village came out and roughed him up.

He was an asshole so it makes sense that things ended like that for him. However, it taught me to be VERY careful about what I considered normal dating practices.

Back to Iuza. Despite the fact that the village was religious and conservative, Iuza himself had other ideas for me. One day he came up to me and put his burly and hairy arm around me, smiling like a used car salesman.

“Boy (his favorite word for me), you need to go and see some Russian prostitutes.”

“No Iuza, I'm okay.”

“Come one, my son will take you. It will be fun.”

I laughed it off as a joke. Joke it wasn’t. He tried to push this on me at least five more times.

See I’m not lying. She swept my floor all the time lol. Photo by author.

Things got more awkward when it came to Zidi.

Zidi was a beautiful college girl who lived next door to me. She came over, unannounced, at least three times a week to “clean” the house for me. I liked having her around but it was weird having me watch TV while she swept the floor, smiling at me like a Disney Princess.

Her English was fairly good but she always found excuses to sit by me and say I needed to help her be fluent.

I was basically in love. Problem was, Zidi had a boyfriend. A hulking, gorilla-armed, well-connected Georgian man. Even the eight-year-old boys here were more man than I was. Seriously, a boy named Koba had biceps and was in the first grade. All that to say, I ain’t messin’ with Georgian guys. Very hospitable and kind so long as you are respectful.

Zidi visited for a few months with nothing happening until things hit a crescendo.

Iuza’s daughter had just given birth in the capital of Tbilisi the day prior. Forty people came over to our house to celebrate. The DIY wine was flowing. The moonshine was sparkling. Wasted Georgian men were stumbling all over the house. The women didn’t drink and were busy cooking all the meals for the men. Zidi was one of them.

Iuza was wasted. He lumbered over to me, “Boy! Come here. I want you to find a book for me upstairs.”

“Okay? What kind?”

“It doesn't matter, just get a book.” The place he was talking about was on the second floor, only accessible by a ladder, and had no electric power—-pitch black up there.

I start towards the ladder. Iuza shouts out, “Zidi! Go with him.”

She magically appeared by my side and went up the ladder first. Iuza grabbed me before I followed and whispered, “Sex, now.” And then pushed me forward.

Zidi and I went into the room where the books were. No lights on. I could feel the electricity between us. And… nothing happened. I know she wanted to kiss me but I also knew that there were two possible outcomes:

1. Her bf (Giorgi) finds out and murders me.

2. She breaks up with him and he still murders me.

3. Everything is fine but now the whole village expects us to get married, like next month.

When we came down Iuza, his wife Nana, and some elderly woman who I think was Zidi’s grandmother, were all smiling at us. My face was bright red. Iuza pulls me aside and asks “How was sex?” I had to disappoint him and by extension the entire village who hopped for a Georgia-America union.

So, nothing went down between us and that was totally fine. I had a good friendship with Zidi and some fun stories to tell. And even though it’s all fun and games to share these stories, seriously, if you date in Georgia, especially in the countryside, be mindful of the community’s expectations. Or have a quick escape plan.